When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
