Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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