this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
