Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
