totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
