I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
