Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
