Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
