My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
