By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
