He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
