OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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