America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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