to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
