some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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