awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
