i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
