Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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