matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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