So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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