Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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