She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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