The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
