I haven't been this sober since birth.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
