The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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