Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
