I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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