There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
