In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
