Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
