i just wanna soil my oats bro
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
