he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
sarcasm needs its own font
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
