How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
