U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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