i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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