I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
