yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
