In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
