my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
