i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
