I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
