just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
