can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
