Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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