I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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