I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
no you cant smoke seaweed
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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