Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize