my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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