There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
as a side note pls kill me
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
