life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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