Your face is a jimmy john
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
