Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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