i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
