i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
