Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
