the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
