do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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